Saying "No!"

I'm an expert on guilt. Not on giving it out (although someday my children may disagree) but rather an expert in experiencing it. Not because I'm a bad person who has things to feel guilty about mind you, but rather because with me it is simply an inborn trait. I'm one of those people who couldn't pass a lie detector test if you asked me what color my eyes were and I answered truthfully. It's this nagging belief that maybe I'm wrong...maybe my eyes aren't really blue. Some might call them grey, I guess. It's self-doubt. It's lack of confidence. It's angst and anxiety over everything...which amounts to nothing, really. I don't ever remember not being without it. For me, it's simply existential.

And so, others find it easy to sway me through the use of shame, by laying on my shoulders a sense of liability that I seem to almost greedily accept. It comes so naturally to those around me - that seamless shifting of responsibility from their shoulders to mine - that I'm sure they themselves don't even realize it. With me, it's just the way it is. Relationships, just as with everything else in life, have a way of naturally following the path of least resistence.

But lately, something inside of me is changing. Maybe it's age. Maybe it's being a mother, who after 5 years, is finally learning to let her kids fend for themselves a bit. I mean, seriously...is it really important that I go to the bathroom with them.every.single.time? They've been potty trained for several years. They know how to wipe themselves. They know how to flush. They don't seem to have any fear of going in there to play and make a mess while I'm otherwise occupied, so why do they suddenly pull out the droopy face and sad little voices when they want me to go potty with them? Because. They know it will work. At least until lately it has.

The change started about a week ago. I'm not sure where it came from. It was out of my mouth before I even realized it. No. That word that rarely ever crosses my lips, and definately not without some deep contemplation on my part about what the potential fallout might be. But suddenly, there it was. No. No, I am not dropping this pile of laundry to come and watch you sit on the potty. No. Not this time. The look on my daughter's face was sheer disbelief. I was hardly able to comprehend it myself. "Wh-what?" She asked. Mustering up my bravado, I said "No. I am in the middle of something. You are perfectly capable of going to the potty by yourself." She didn't fight me on it. She didn't get whiney (that would come later, after both daughters had had to endure my new found self-confidence for several days). Instead, she simply turned around and in a daze walked to the bathroom and went potty by herself.

I was in a daze too. It's true that I don't say no often. If it's dangerous, if it's not healthy, if I really, truely CAN'T, then, I say no. It's the little things I have trouble saying no to. The things like getting up for the 5th time at night because their dolls fell off the bed - again - and they can't find them. It's the bringing them a cup of water only to find out they wanted the pink cup, not the purple one, and will I please, pretty please with sugar on top, please go get the pink cup instead? kinds of things I have trouble saying no to. My thoughts have never really been about me. It's always been about somebody else. My parents, my kids, my husband, my best friend. Whoever. If it makes them happy, if it makes it easier on them, if it makes their lives less hectic, then I willingly take on the burden myself. Now though, it seems I'm learning to be a bit selfish with myself, with my time. And I'm learning that that's okay. It may be a tough transition for them, but they'll survive doing things for themselves every once in awhile. And I might just end up shedding this cloak of guilt I've been wearing all my life.