If you don't get lost, you may never be found

I just realized that I never really posted about why I started blogging. Of course the title and description explain it pretty well, I guess, but I never really expanded on it. Finding Me is really about just that. Finding me. Eons ago, in what I call the pre-offspring era of my life, I had a firm understanding of who I was and what I wanted out of life. I knew my likes and dislikes. I knew my strengths and weaknesses. I was confident in my decisions. Even when my husband and I made the fateful decision to have a baby (or in my case 2 at once!), I wasn’t worried about my life changing too much. Oh sure, I heard it from everyone - “You can’t imagine how this is going to change your life” and “Your life is never going to be the same!” I heard it. But I didn’t really believe it. Not even when we found out very early on that we were having twins. Not even as my stomach began growing…and growing…and growing some more did it really hit me that there were two other human beings living inside me. Two beings that I was going to be entirely responsible for. It didn’t hit me until the morning my water broke. Lying there in bed, I tried convincing myself that I had simply lost control of my bladder. I’d been told it happens sometimes in late pregnancy. And after all, I wasn’t having any contractions, so surely I couldn’t be in labor. Even my sister-in-law who just happened to be in town visiting us was convinced this wasn’t the real thing. Still, to be on the safe side, my husband I decided we’d better go to the hospital and let them check me out. Soon after we got in the car the labor pains started and I knew. This was real. We were going to be parents. Soon. I immediately started to panic. I had to fight to keep control. I had to start thinking about pacing my breathing - not to help with labor pains, but to keep from losing it emotionally. I struggled to stop my brain from racing through all of the things I hadn’t done to prepare yet and I didn’t dare let myself think of the potential consequences of having a premature birth. Funny how I hadn’t even given the potential risks a thought until then. At any rate, I don’t think anyone else knew how scared I was. To everyone else, I’m sure I looked like I was totally in control and completely on top of this whole birth/baby thing. Little did they know. In reality, the stories I heard from other moms, the books I'd read…none of them prepared me for that moment. That moment when my life truly did change forever. That moment after they lifted baby A out of my womb and gave me a quick 2-second look before they whisked her away into an adjoining room. And then, one minute later, there was baby B. Again - one quick look, and away they took her. It was about that time that I felt the panic really begin to rise inside of me. A feeling so strong there was no way I could control it. I’d seen enough Discovery channel Birth Day episodes to know…my babies should be crying. They weren’t crying! Why weren’t they crying?! I was ready to jump off the table and run after them myself despite the surgeon who was still trying to sew me up and despite the fact that my body was completely numb from the waist down. Mind over matter would have enabled me to overcome any obstacle in that moment. Then – sweet relief! I heard first one, then two faint little cries from the next room. The tears streamed down my cheeks and finally - I breathed. I would never be the same after that. That initial feeling of sheer panic was the first of many more to come. Soon, and without my even noticing it, my life became a series of bottles, diapers and sleepless nights. Before long, I’d completely lost myself. And that was okay for a while. Once you have a child, your dreams and aspirations are supposed to take a back seat to them. But eventually, as your child grows and sleepless nights become more rare, you begin to realize that in order to be the best parent you can be you have to have more to offer your child than just your constant presence. You need to be your own person too, so that they know that they really can balance all that life throws their way. And that is why I’m blogging. Writing is good for me. It’s a part of me that needs exploring and deserves my attention. It would be great if others found my blog and enjoyed it too, but that’s not my goal here. This is for me.